I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
