There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
