Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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