i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
