??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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