Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
zippers are such a cool invention
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm like, not good at living.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
