my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
