My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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