Please, let me fuck your mom
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
