I am puke
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
