i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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