my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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