She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
