I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
