Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
