She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
