I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
where are my eyebrows?
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