Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
