I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
