i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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