I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
