Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
