My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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