Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
