She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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