dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
