We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
