i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
