def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I'm having to shit out rocks
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
