Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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