haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.