an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
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Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
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I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.