An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
