if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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