You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Someone came in the potted fern
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
