My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
