someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
