I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
