you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
