I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
please come you make the beer taste better
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
