so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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