The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
