Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
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I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
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His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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