Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
