i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
