Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
