wanna go halves on a baby?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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