I am puke
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
