Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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