I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
