it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
