She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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