I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
