what day is it and did you see me today?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
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