I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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